This past week has been very different from all those proceeding in 2011 (or for a while for that matter) in that for the first time in a long time I felt overwhelmed by things that normally wouldn't cause me to bat an eye.
Work this week was difficult. Differences in opinion is probably the thing I struggle most with in any work place due to the fact that once I've decided I'm right, no one should try and tell me any different. When you don't own the company you're working in that can cause some serious strife. Something I consistently have to challenge myself to work on is this one sentence "they're paying you, unless you are morally obligated to decline, do what they say". Something I need to work on given my overly ambitious and even somewhat domineering nature.
Another thing I did this week, which was a big mistake, I got emotionally attached to client's and their case. Big no, no. The clients you tend to get attached to are the ones you feel for the most, the ones that are down and out, the ones that things are least likely to work out for, hence why you get attached to them, and why they're the hardest clients to let go of. I feel for this couple, they're older, they're in so much difficulty and I want to much to make their future and retirement even the slightest bit easier for them, and I can't. I've discovered something about myself, I don't like feeling helpless.
This week was also a disappointing one in the gym. I didn't make it there as often as I should have and when I was there I found that I wan't putting 110% in, in fact, I don't feel as if I was even putting 80% in, and that cannot become a habit. New week, new start, new opportunity for lots of hard work.
I did learn an important lesson this week though, which is: knowing when to say "I was in the wrong" or "I'm sorry". The truth is, as humans we will make mistakes, we fuck up, we hurt others, we get frustrated, we get crabby and we think irrationally. However, what distinguishes one human from another is their ability to realized their faults, apologize if need be, and correct the behaviour. Tom thought me this valuable lesson this week, even though at the expense of my pride and stubborn spirit, I feel it is an invaluable lesson.
The thought however, which has been weighing heavily on my mind for the majority of the week is the idea of pre-occupation, business, and undivided attention. Are you one of those people who always has somewhere to be? You're rushing here and there, always on the way to the next meeting, lunch appointment, personal appointment, class, date, etc.? Do you enjoy that fast paced life style, the go, go, go? If so, I invite you think about why, does having your days planned out and packed make you feel more fulfilled, productive, talented? I spent some time thinking about it and realized, the last time I caught myself engaging in this type of behaviour, busied to the point of exhausted, was just prior to going into the hospital, and if was during my stay there that I realized that I busied myself with useless activities and pastimes that distracted me from really thinking about life, about myself, and about areas or qualities that needed nurturing. I thought to myself, "what would it be like to just be, for a whole day, just be and not think about my education, my work, marriage, the future, etc etc. What would it be like to do nothing and just be? Am I too scared to do this because I fear what I may find? It's possible.
As a challenge to myself this week I want to take a half an hour a day where I literally do nothing, no TV, no music, no readings or computers, nothing for a half hour. and to just sit and be; to allow my thoughts to be, exist, evoke any feelings that may be necessary, and move to the next thought. True meditation which abandons everything external and worldly, a half hour of physical and mental silence. I think the benefits will be well worth the challenge.